A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving. - Lao Tzu
Throughout my life, I’ve always wanted certainty. There must always be a plan in place. This plan must always consist of the same qualities: the ‘right’ setting, in the ‘right’ place, at the ‘right’ time. If the plan goes according to the plan, then I have a controlled, expected outcome that’s on the ‘right’ track. Why?
My mind loves the idea of ‘plug and play’. If I just had the missing piece to the puzzle, then all is right with the world. A big ‘if then’ statement. If this, then that…
In an effort to avoid the worst-case scenario, I miss out on the best-case scenario. Playing life not to lose.
Some would say it’s biological. They’d be right to a certain extent. One of our core needs as humans is to avoid danger. To avoid catastrophic failure. In modern society, after our basic needs are taken care of, uncertainty can feel the same as the primal alertness of danger.
It could be fear of failure? To reduce the chance of failure of making a fool out of myself? Maybe fear of success? To learn that I had what it takes all along to reach spectacular heights, only to fly too close to the sun and fall, not having anticipated what I was capable of.
Or wanting to be seen as competent and unique? That desire to feel that, in a world of chaos, I represent intelligence and order. To be seen as capable and to feel important or special. Maybe?
My best guess is it’s to avoid the confusion and turbulence of stepping off the beaten path. It’s much easier to stay on the defined track and feel nothing than it is to step off and feel something.
I don’t have any real answers, almost any answer you can think of is as valid as what I can come up with.
When I was 20, I thought I knew what I wanted. A big house with a picket fence, a wife, a couple kids, and a friendly golden retriever in a nice neighborhood. The American Dream. I organized the last decade of my life in the pursuit of that dream. It’s possible that deep down I do still want that, not the ‘success’ or materialism often associated with it, but parts of it.
I assumed that I’d have it all figured out by now. I thought nearly a decade in the real world would provide the deliverance of that goal, or that I’d be closer to getting ‘there’. I realize now there is space between now and ‘there’.
To this point, my life plan has involved slowly and methodically jumping from safe haven to safe haven, lily pad to lily pad, waiting until I’m ready to make the next jump. In some sort of linear path to somewhere. I don’t know where somewhere is anymore, but let’s say I did know and I got ‘there’ in this pre-packaged, sterile, linear way - all the while steamrolling the present moment for a distant utopia. What happens then? What stories would I have to tell?
The present moment cannot be delayed for the distant promise of happiness. As I get older, I’m realizing that each moment and experience of life differs from ones in the past. Love, for example, feels different at 20 than it does at 30. More potent and alive at 20, but deeper and more nuanced at 30. More beauty on the surface at 20, more beauty in the depths at 30. Ignoring the present moment means you miss out on the unique magic presented in that particular era of your life. It's a rare vintage you will never quite be able to taste the same way. These unique moments must not be missed because you bypassed them...they must only be missed in the wistful way autumn leaves are missed in late fall or early winter…after you get to experience and enjoy them for yourself.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain
Think about anything you’ve ever read, watched, consumed, or any person or idea you’ve encountered. Seriously, think about anything that has filled you with joie de vivre from head to toe.
Now that you have it…
Is it something derived from comfort and incremental, safe improvement?
For me, the answer is no. I got what I said I wanted but I missed out on the fun, passion, spontaneity, and the ups and downs along the way. How boring!
Has there ever been a biography, autobiography, memoir, film, great person or artist, story, or any other work, person, or idea that inspired anyone to reach the heights of their imagination and the depths of their soul that was based on a slow, safe, certain, linear plan?
The current trajectory of my autobiography is as follows:
I went to school, then I got a master’s degree, then I got another degree, then I worked for a while in a few nice places, and then I retired after ~40 years, and died.
Is that it? Is that all I have now? Am I the only one? Is this all we have now?
If I ‘figured it out’ and navigated this trajectory to perfection, I’d fall asleep halfway through the telling of my own story.
I understand the need to put food on the table and provide for your family. I’m not advocating the immediate abandonment of your responsibilities. Nor am I advocating going to find yourself in Thailand for a few months (maybe this is just what you need, but I’m referring more to a desire to run away from something, hoping to find home and meaning in a faraway land, external to you - another form of fleeing from responsibilities). I’m advocating for the re-enchantment of a life well lived.
If you were hiking to a certain destination, would you only be focused on the destination? Or would you take in the scent of the air and the flowers, appreciate the season and your health, and just enjoy the outdoors along the way. This is no different in life.
I feel I’m on the frontier of my comfort zone and defined path and I’m not sure where it leads. I’m ranting at the edge of my own frontier. Maybe this resonates, maybe not.
In the last couple of years, I’ve become numb to the magic of life. I’m starting to feel it again in more recent weeks though. It’s still there, as a flicker and in bursts, but it doesn’t pulsate continuously like it once did. I’m not sure if it’s just me, but I’m not sure others can feel it anymore either. Maybe that’s always been the case, and maybe I’ve just become aware of it in the last couple of years, but I’m afraid one day, I will no longer be able to sense it either.
he heard the other passengers speaking of other things, or they were reading or attempting to sleep. they had not noticed the magic. From "Nirvana" by Charles Bukowski
Playing at the edge of my comfort zone (for example, writing) keeps the serendipity, bliss, and other sources of magic alive. I’m not sure I can write a better summary of bliss than what is written in The Alabaster Girl, by Zan Perrion:
The incomparable Joseph Campbell wrote the perfect mission statement for us all: Follow your bliss! Find your purpose? Follow your passion? No, follow your bliss. This makes sense to me. In work, in play, in rest, follow your bliss. This, to me, is the only guiding light we ever need.
Bliss does not mean happy and bouncy all day, or overbearing permagrins. It contains within it contemplation, mindfulness, gratitude. It means we have the courage to face the challenges of life head-on. It means that we trust our own center of gravity. It means that no matter what comes our way, we have what it takes to handle it. Nor does bliss mean we should just relax and do nothing. An essential component of bliss is fulfillment, a great work ethic, a desire to provide for our families, and a love of projects great and small that act as stepping stones for our lives.
Bliss does not mean avoidance of the uncomfortable. It does not seek distraction. Bliss means staying the course, even when it hurts. It reaches its arms around the whole experience that we call life and embraces it all—good and bad—with equanimity and grace.
Bliss means to do whatever, in this moment, brings you into alignment with your true nature. Bliss means to fill your days only with things that have heart and meaning to you. Bliss means to follow your gut, your intuition, that still, small voice. Your head is a great tool, but sometimes it thinks it’s the master. Your head needs all the information—all the pros and all the cons—to make a great decision. Your gut, however, is never wrong; even with only a fraction of the information, it is always right.
I don’t want a life of certainty, I want a life of bliss; ‘Figuring it out’ along the way, spontaneously, with gusto and noticing the magic as I go.
There isn’t much fun in having it all figured out. If I could have my fortune told such that I would know my future, I would not want to know it. Why would I want to know the score of the game before the game starts? Why would I want to know the score of my life? I want to allow life to unfold, without any control or planning. I can prepare myself, I can show up, I can put my best foot forward, but I cannot anticipate all the steps. There is no ‘right’ way. The way must be governed by my intuition, amor fati, and faith that it’ll all work out in good time. I want to wonder again.
The immortal philosopher Bob Ross would say “That’s what makes it so much fun, we don’t use any patterns or we don’t do any sketching we just sort of let this happen…just let it happen.”
I don’t know what will happen and you don’t know what will happen. No one knows the sweet mystery of life.
I want to stay in that mystery.
Thank you for taking the time to read my work, I really appreciate your support. I hope you get everything you want in this life.
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