Don’t Bother Trying to Be Cool
It was my first night out on the town after COVID. On a warm, early evening in May, I went with a group of friends and acquaintances to a downtown mecca for young adults. This was a place with plenty of outdoor seating along interconnected stone patios, tiki torches and fire pits, several smaller bars positioned throughout the establishment, and top 40 hip hop hits playing from little hidden speakers among the plants and rocks. I walked to one of the bars, an island among the oasis, in the back of the venue and ordered a vodka soda with a lime (my favorite choice in the days leading up to the humid North Carolina summer).
I wanted to make my rounds around the bar to see who was there and get a feel for the environment. I picked up my freshly poured drink, turned, and took a step in the opposite direction to begin my walkabout. Much to my dismay, I discovered that the friendly and generous bartender had filled my delicious beverage to the brim. It cascaded over the edge of the glass and down the front of my light gray pants. Nothing worse than trying to make a good impression while making your rounds through the bar, and looking like you should’ve made your rounds to the bathroom instead. I laughed to myself, “Oh, well”. As I searched for a place to sit while my pants dried, I noticed a pretty girl sitting there by herself, alone on a couch. In a spur of the moment decision, I walked over and sat down next to her. “Hey, I’m Jordan”, I said as I shook her hand. “I just spilled on my pants”.
She’s been my girlfriend for two years.
For years, I tried to be cool. I always wanted people to say, “Wow, Jordan really has it all together”, or “Wow, I wish I could be like Jordan”. Most of the time, I would mask my true self in an effort to look like an aloof guy who had it all figured out. It was all for naught. I shouldn’t have even given ‘cool’ a second thought. In truth, there was some deep rooted insecurity, a need and desire to be loved, that was powerful enough to muzzle my own authenticity. It was easier to cover that up and try to be ‘cool’ instead. An important realization I discovered in my many moons of faux coolness is this: any time you try to be something you’re not, you not only rob yourself of the ability to connect with others, but you also rob the other person of the opportunity to connect deeply with the real you. And on that night in early May, the thought of squandering that opportunity was too much for me to bear. I was willing to look like a fool rather than risk giving off a false impression of myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I still felt the pangs of insecurity and its ‘cool’ counterpart coming up to soothe my thoughts as I squished around the venue that night. But the difference was that my interest in the girl in front of me was far greater than my desire to be ‘cool’. I had to get to know her from an authentic place. It wasn’t that I no longer wanted to be liked or thought of as cool, it's that my curiosity about this girl in front of me far exceeded any of those other thoughts.
My girlfriend later told me that she was initially attracted to my authenticity and quiet confidence. The confidence to be myself, without hiding or trying to convince her of anything. I wasn’t trying to be cool, I was cool in her eyes.
It’s important to confidently and unapologetically be the self that you are today, because the right people, the ones that resonate with you and will add love and richness to your life, will appear as if by magic as long as you show up as you. There is a famous quote from Field of Dreams that goes: “If you build it, he will come”. Well, if you are yourself, the people you want in your life will come. Show up as you, don’t hide behind ‘cool’. People want to know you, not cool you.
Your authentic self is your attractive self, whether that’s in search of a romantic partner or great friendships. Take it from me, your friendly neighborhood soggy-panted rapscallion.
Thank you to all the folks who helped me edit this piece this week in Write of Passage!
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Your words paint pictures, and you have natural, easy humour. That's not to mention the deep points you're aiming at. Keep going!
Hello, friendly neighborhood soggy-panted rapscallion!