Opposite Day
To Flow Rather Than to Force in Pursuit of Soul
New Year new me. A modern aphorism on par with legendary HAGS (Have A Great Summer) in year book signings of yore. It might make me cringe, but the intention behind it is true.
The new year arrived and I felt a desire to change and improve how I show up in the world. I immediately dove into setting up some good habits for myself. Reading every day, cleaning up my diet and sleeping habits, cutting out alcohol, cutting back caffeine consumption, catching up on unread newsletters/email…you know, the works. I’ve attempted such an overhaul several times in the past with moderate success, so I figured it was time for another go at it. Time to get back on track.
In habit building, some of the conventional wisdom is to begin with small, easy wins each day to build up some momentum. Ideally, I’d pick up one habit at the time to ensure I don’t bite off more than I can chew, incrementally improve until it becomes automatic, remove friction around the habit as I go, make the habit as easy and visible as possible for myself, track the habit, and reward myself for accomplishing it. That’s the formula, and it’s a proven formula that works and it has worked for me in the past.
But soon, the first week of the year passed and although I had seen substantial improvement compared to previous weeks, I didn’t feel anything. None of the excitement of starting something new, none of the feeling of grabbing low hanging fruit, none of what I had felt in the past upon re-scripting my habits, in fact, I arguably felt worse than before. I began to wonder why. “I’m doing what I’ve been telling myself I should do, cleaning up the bad and ushering in the good, what gives?”, I thought to myself.
It is at this point in the essay when you might be wondering, “Jordan, you only tried this stuff for one week – that’s not enough time for a habit to be established, you need more time.” It’s a fair point, and I considered that myself, but I’ve had great success building habits before. Any time I’ve ever tried to re-haul my habits, I always felt something.…this time something was missing. I was living a slightly more effective and efficient life than I was living before, but I felt like a mechanical robot.
There are times in your life when you feel a calling to change. It first happened to me around 2018. One summer night around midnight, I was listening to Spotify (this playlist actually), just listening to genres I wasn’t familiar with. I got to track #6, ‘All Of Your Love’ by Magic Sam (you can listen here if you don’t have or want Spotify) and I was completely transfixed, caught in some sort of suspended fascination. I couldn’t stop listening to it. I probably listened to it at least 10 times in a row, continually exclaiming “Wow!” and “How have I not heard this before?”. Everything about it drew me in with a velvet warmth. I just liked it; I had no idea why. It was in that moment, that I decided to buy a guitar to learn the blues. I began listening to the blues almost non-stop for a few months. I never followed the thread much deeper than that. I was working full time and doing graduate school at night. Ships in the night.
In early 2020, I had the same yearning as this year to change up my habits. Then the pandemic hit. March to May 2020 was a magical golden age for me. I was fortunate to have a remote job and was largely unaffected by it. For the first time in my life, I was able to follow the rabbit holes of my interests instead of focusing on work and school. A pandemic can be a great diversion in that way. I was reading copiously, going on long walks and runs outside, eating well, and doing deep dives on movies each night. I began taking notes and documenting much of what I was learning or interested in via Evernote and in my journal. I wrote several essays in private to or for myself and had a small inkling that I should write more.
During this period, I had an incredible level of stability in my life. I had lived in the same apartment, with the same job, in the same place for 5 years in a row. I was craving change and during a pandemic, I didn’t know how I’d facilitate that change. I ended up returning to graduate school in the hopes that I’d be spat out on the other side with new skills that I could use to reinvent my life in a new place, to meet new people, and try new things. Writing would have to wait.
When I finally got out of school for what I hope to be the last time, I did get a job in a slightly different city, but right next to the city I was already in. And it wasn’t the best fit. I spent more of my time planning how to get out of the situation than on what was most important to me. It felt like I was wasting my time and my life. I moved again and got another job in another state 9 months later. I’m still young, but I’ve ignored or delayed the call to follow what was most important to me several times now.
There is a chance that if I continue to ignore that still, small voice in my head and that feeling from deep within my heart, it will disappear forever.
Imagine that you are on a hike by yourself in a forest and pick up a rock. Under that rock, you find some sort of magical portal that creates a great sense of excitement, fear, uncertainty, and the physical feeling of a downward pull. You think to yourself, “I have the strangest feeling that I need to follow where that goes, but I have so much to take care of here on the surface. I’ll just place the rock back down and mark the location in a way that makes it easy for me to return.”
A couple years later, you return to the same rock in the forest, only to find the portal has vanished. You begin to look under several surrounding rocks and you find nothing. Not even the slightest trace or hint. Maybe you imagined it. Worried you’ll never find it again, you sit down against a tree and as you lower yourself to the earth, your heel knocks aside an old log next to the tree…a portal appears and that same uncertain, electric feeling returns. You found it again but you know, somewhere deep down, that if you leave the forest this time you may never find that portal again. You must choose. You can leave the forest and continue to tend to your important worldly needs, or you can dive deep into that wonderfully ambiguous void.
I don’t want to leave the forest again. There may not be a portal to find next time and that’s one haunting what-if…
The dust of being in flux for the last several years is almost settled1. I can no longer afford to ignore the calls of my heart and soul; I feel like I’ve ignored the calls at least twice (’18 & ’20). Three strikes and you’re out, right?
I’ve thought a lot about what my legacy and life impact will be at the end of it all. Would I be happy with my life? Any regrets? Did I impact and help as many people as I wanted to? How do I want to live my life versus how am I actually living my life? Am I actually being the person I know I can be? Did I give all of my heart and soul to my work, those I love, and the world?
I’m leaving something on the table, but I just don’t know what it is yet. I began to consider what the question “What brings me alive each day?”. What are the few, yet powerful things that I could do consistently each day that would bring excitement and electricity to my life? What are the big things?
I realized I had it all backward. For me, it is no longer about getting the little things or habits perfectly taken care of, until my to-do list is completed and there is finally enough time to focus on the big things. The fact of the matter is that there will always be little things to take care of and if I spend too much time tending to those matters, I’ll never get to the core of what matters to me. In many ways, I’ll never get to the core of me.
anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you. From "Sweet Darkness" by David Whyte, The House of Belonging
To paint a clearer image, imagine a huge empire (real or imaginary). The empire is greatly influential and powerful, but it is facing some turmoil within and needs the emperor on the throne making decisions to steer the direction of the empire. When the people of the empire need him/her most, they find the emperor out in the countryside picking dandelions and weeds from the grass, paths, and gardens of the empire. Technically, the emperor is helping landscape the empire (which is good and well intentioned). But with the fate of the empire hanging in the balance, is that the best place for the emperor to be spending time and energy?
It became obvious that I could both simplify my life and do what brings me alive at the same time. What actions bring me alive?
Writing - Writing doesn’t feel like work to me. It used to be work in school, but it’s not work if I’m writing for fun. It gives me an avenue of expression and creativity. It also allows clearer thinking and something for me to build and cultivate. At the minimum it provides something I can nostalgically laugh at and be proud of, while demarcating how I’ve grown. At its best, I could stumble upon my true purpose, challenge myself, find like-minded people, help others, and increase my income as a side effect.
Guitar – Specifically, electric guitar. I love and am fascinated by the blues. While I hear sadness in many records, often I hear (and feel) a great, fuzzy warmth that resonates in the background. I want to be able to play the blues (among other songs and genres). This is my favorite blues album, West Side Soul by the late, great Magic Sam. I want to be able to play like that eventually. (A fun little easter egg: in April ’21, I made this well intentioned YouTube video about wanting to share my guitar (and hobby) progress as I go. I love that I created it and my intention behind it, but as soon as I created it, I got caught up in the small stuff again. If you were curious, I have no real progress to share because I barely picked up guitar again until this year. I’m using Justin Guitar by the way, which I highly recommend. Loads of free tips and content to get started. I don’t get paid to say that (although it would be nice, hello Justin lol), I just really enjoy it.)
Exercise – nearly unlimited upside to health (barring injury), longevity, and sustainability. At its minimum gives me more energy during the day and great sleep at night. I used to work out at least 3 times a week for years but haven’t been consistent in the last several years. I think I can use this as a way to clear my mind, break up boredom, and as stress relief.
Social life (in real life and virtually) – meeting friends is hard in the real world (outside of school/college) and I’m in a new state which doesn’t make it easier. I plan to join 1 or 2 organizations or groups and hope to meet some good friends from that (I like virtual friends too – say hello on Twitter!)
In that order. Even doing one of these in a day is a win. Traditionally, I try to plan how often I want to do each action in a week to hold myself accountable. I now believe that’s unnecessary. I’ll take action, and let the action dictate how often I do it based on what feels right. For example, a main difference between this time and the times in the past where I’ve attempted to change my habits is that usually I’ll try to tell myself I’ll do some action ‘x’ number of times at the beginning of the week as a minimum requirement. But, if I’m doing what I really love and what sets the fire alight in my soul I don’t need to worry about setting a minimum threshold each week, I actually have to set a maximum threshold to make sure I don’t burn myself out over time. I wrote 6 days in a row last week. I didn’t mean to write that much in a row. I didn’t have to force myself to write, I had to force myself to stop writing for one day. The same with guitar. This is a balance of discipline and intuition, but I hope it sparks action by flow rather than by force.
I’ve already been doing the actions above at the time of this writing for about a month. As of now, in late January/early February it’s a maximum writing cadence of about five to six times a week, guitar four times a week, exercise once a week (just starting to tack the latter on). To prevent biting off more than I can chew I’ll incorporate the social element slowly, once a week over the next couple of months. There is a sense of deliberate urgency about my life, but at the same time I have no sense of rush or panic in building a fulfilling, enjoyable, sustainable life. I enjoy playing the long game.
My main thought and point is this: If I’m doing the big, core things that excite me and fill me with aliveness (a good mixture of fear and excitement), then the little habits (cleaning up, chores, errands, eating right, etc.) become automatic and complementary to the life I’m leading. For example, to begin writing (which is my priority #1), I had to fit it in my schedule (lol fit it in my schedule like I’m some important head of state, don’t take yourself too seriously ladies and gents). I decided to wake up early (about 5:30 am) each day to plug it in. This automatically required me to go to bed earlier and start to do other actions in the evening to slow down (guitar which is priority #2, and reading which ironically was of high priority and is missing from my list, but it has become automatic in support of the life I want to live).
Interestingly, I also believe that living an inspired life that you enjoy is also the best way to influence others. There is a sort of magnetic presence that emanates from anyone living a path that’s authentic to themselves. When you combine that with a dash of ‘I have a transcendental mission or passion that’s larger than me’, people can feel it and start to align toward the same sort of thing in themselves like moths to a flame (you as the flame, but in many ways, you help them discover that flame within themselves for the first time). Maybe that’s another topic for another day, I’ll report back lol.
There is a great day about once a year in school called ‘Opposite Day’. Little kid Jordan loved that day. It allows you to play around and do everything in an opposite manner in which you normally would. Up means down, yes means no, etc. In many ways, my newfound emphasis on aliveness and almost exclusive focus on the big, meaningful actions in my life feels like an adult version of opposite day. But the interesting part is, because I’ve had my priorities backward, maybe I’ve been living opposite day this whole time and this is actually my return to normalcy, my return to self.
Building up small, incremental habits is fantastic advice. At this period in my life, however, building small habits is terrible advice for me. Aliveness and the creation of good memories are my gauges of success going forward and the small stuff just won’t do it. In the pursuit of a meaningful and fulfilling life, don’t forget to actually do (and not just prepare for and accidently distract yourself from) what is meaningful and fulfilling to you.
And have some fun, it is opposite day after all.
Thank you for taking the time to read my work, I really appreciate your support. I hope you get everything you want in this life.
Don’t forget to say hi on Twitter!
If you enjoyed this and think someone you know might enjoy it too, please feel free to share it with them.
Fun fact, every calendar year between ’97 and now I’ve either been enrolled in some sort of school or had to move to a new house or apartment at some point in the year. I’m excited for the focus and stability ’23 will bring because this should be the first year that breaks that streak.
Excellent insights in this blog, Jordan. A lot of it resonates!
On exercise - have a look at trail runs in your area. Signing up to one (and later an Ultramarathon) was fun & transformed my exercise habits.
PS I had the same guitar! (before it was robbed from my house)